HOW TO POOP AT WORK

HOW TO POOP AT WORK
>
> We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
> back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
> much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
> inevitable.
>
>
> For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
> Guide
> for taking a dump at work.
>
>
>> > > CROP DUSTING
>
>>When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
>>not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
> it
>>came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
> fart
>>has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has
> left >your pants.
>
>
>> > > FLY BY
>
>
>>The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
>>for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
>
>>back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
> become
>>suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
>
>
>> > > ESCAPEE
>
>>A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
>>poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
>>embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> Pretend >it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
> the urinal, >pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
> is uncomfortable >for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel >uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out like a machine gun. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, then to the door after you have
just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you out. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (O.O.T.C.P.)

A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an O.O.T.C.P. enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under
their arm. Always look around the office for the O.O.T.C.P. before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of O.O.T.C.P.'s, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS

A seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. >This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
> remain >the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
> avoid all >uncomfortable eye contact.
>
>
>> > > WATERMELON

A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on
while someone else is in the bathroom, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.


CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that
you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an
ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is also used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough
in
conjunction with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An
Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should
always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well as the other bathroom attendees.

Please study this Survival Guide and implement them into your daily
routine.